Dr. Julia : Cell Phones

I am currently listening to my mother-in-law giving a half-assed speech on why Travis and I should get a cell phone.

Most of it is common knowledge: Don't get an expensive phone, don't get texting, etc.

She will not SHUT UP.

It started off like this:

Julia : When does Travis get off work today?
Me : He gets off at 4 o'clock.
Julia : Where is he working at?
Me : I don't know.
Julia : I mean... Is he working at CVS or Day Break?
Me : [pause] I don't know.
Julia : [pause] Jesus, you should know where he's working at. You're his wife. [pause] Need to get a cell phone.

Let's see all the reasons we can't afford a phone (unless it's a Tracfone or something similar):

A) We don't make much money. At all.
B) We owe my cheap ass father-in-law nearly $1,000.
C) We are trying to save up money to move out ASAP.
and D) We don't make much money. At all. Seriously. We're poor.

And yet here she is, babbling on and on about why we "need a cell phone", etc.

I haven't had a cell phone in years and we don't particularly need one. People got along just fine before cell phones were invented!

Dr. Julia : Overreacting

Julia was on the phone with her sister and she said to me, "DO YOU KNOW A SARAH?" [cue look of pure disgust]

Me : ... Yes. [confused]

Julia : SHE SAID HOWARD PASSED AWAY. [to her sister on the phone] YEAH I'M GONNA CUSS THAT BITCH OUT. [more cussing]

Me : ... [shocked/disgusted face at her language towards one of my very closest friends]

So she calls Travis's brother, saying "NO you're father's alright." (Because he called, worried.)

Then she calls Travis saying, "WHY DID SHE SAY HOWARD DIED? [pause] Oh. [pause] WELL SHE SHOULDN'T BELIEVE THINGS OTHER PEOPLE TELL HER."

Apparently someone told my friend Sarah that my father-in-law had passed away and she went to Travis to express her empathy.

It was a simple misunderstanding - I have no idea who told Sarah my father-in-law had died - but Julia completely pissed me the Hell off by calling my friend a "bitch" for saying to Travis "I'm sorry your Dad died."

Whore.

Dr. Julia : Perspective

Julia's Perspective:

What the rest of us see:

Dr. Julia : Everything is her business

99.99 percent of fights that start between my husband and his mother start with Julia sticking her nose in where it doesn't belong.

Let's go over a typical argument, shall we?

It starts like this: Emily is doing something. This morning, Emily was acting up so we turned off cartoons and switched on another program. Obviously, Emily was upset about this so she was told to sit down on the couch (a time out of sorts).

But then... Julia butts in. She was on the phone and, from the other room, she hollers "Turn on cartoons for your daughter! She wants to watch cartoons!"

Well... We don't change the channel. Travis says something along the lines of, "She needs a break from cartoons."

So Julia retorts with: "You're so mean! Turn on the damn cartoons! Brat!"

Travis : "Mom, just stop it."

Julia : [in rage mode] "Don't talk back to me! This is my fuckin' house! Turn on the damn cartoons! You're so mean! God, Travis, don't be such a smart ass!"

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She is always always ALWAYS sticking her nose in our business with Emily. No matter what it is, she has to give her opinion - forcefully.

According to Julia... We're mean when we don't let Emily watch cartoons whenever she wants. We're mean when we don't let Emily drink as much juice as she wants. We're mean when we don't let Emily have candy whenever she wants.

I'm not kidding!

I limit Emily's juice intake because if she could, she would drink herself to death. (The girl loves juice!) So after a while, I say "Okay Emily, if you're thirsty you can drink water." (Or milk.) And sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn't. AND I don't give her anything to drink about thirty minutes before I put her down for bed so she doesn't pee in the middle of the night.

Julia ALWAYS gets pissy when I tell Emily she can't have juice - "God! Give the girl some juice! She's thirsty!"

Me : "If she's thirsty, she'll drink water."

Julia : "But she wants JUICE! God, it's just juice!"

And then later I hear her on the phone with her brother/sister/husband complaining about what awful parents we are for not giving our child juice.


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Dr. Julia : Cleaning

"Bathroom looks like shit! I'm not letting the baby sit on that toilet seat 'til it's cleaned! She's gonna catch something. Germs 'n shit."

This is what I wake up to everyday. (Hey Mom! If you're reading this, can I pleeeeease move back in?)

Now she's yelling from upstairs. I don't know what she's saying. Something about cleaning.

Anyways, where was I? Ah, yes. Julia being crazy. She wants us to clean the bathroom (i.e. toilet/shower/sink/floor) on a daily basis. I'm sorry but I'm not scrubbing the toilet every day. It gets cleaned, don't get me wrong, but I refuse to scrub it every day. We've been keeping it tidy - picking up clothes, towels, etc - but I'll be damned if I'm going to use cleanser daily.

What, is my toilet supposed to shine like it's straight from God himself?

It's clean! There's no pee or anything on it. I checked.

And the mirror doesn't have spit or gunk on it. The sink is toothpaste-free.

Seriously! I went and checked after she hollered at us! It's CLEAN.

Oh wait, here's something. I left a piece of toilet paper on the floor. It's like this big:
[-------------]

See that? Right there, between the brackets. The paper fit inside that little space.

I'm not scrubbin' the damn toilet. And what the hell is Emily going to catch from the toilet? This isn't a public restroom that dozens of people use. Only three people ever use it, according to my in-laws. Because apparently Julia is above using that toilet.

No MS Paint today, sorry. I can't draw a toilet.

Oh alright. Here's something:

Dr. Julia : Daily Activities

For the better part of the day (and night) Julia looks like this:

She is half way asleep, unclean because she hasn't showered, her hair is unbrushed, she probably has the TV remote glued to her hand and she is in her pajamas.

However, when Howard calls and is on his way home... She PANICS.

All of a sudden, she starts going on and on about how the house is a mess. She literally ONLY gets dressed and takes a shower thirty minutes before her husband comes home. She sleeps most of the day away.

She comes downstairs and yells at us to clean the house because God forbid Howard see the house when it is less than perfect.

That's it.

OH and then when Howard comes home, around 6 or 7 o'clock she gets BACK into her pajamas. So she is only dressed for a couple hours each day. I think she has given up on life.

Dr. Julia : Childcare

I nearly died today. In fact, I think a small part of me DID die today. I'm too angry to re-type this, so I'm going to post the Facebook message that I sent to my sister, describing my fury.

______________________________________________

OMG. You will NEVER guess what happened today.

So I'm at work. Travis is taking a shower & got his Mom to watch Emily. Well he starts hearing Julia yell "Emily! Emily!" really loudly. So he comes out & apparently Julia lost my daughter. So Trav started yelling for her, too. Emily WENT OUTSIDE by herself. But, NO, it doesn't end there.

Not only is Emily OUTSIDE in the FRONT YARD BY THE ROAD, she is only wearing her shirt. She took off her pants & underwear so she could POOP on the lawn. She was half way naked POOPING IN THE YARD. JESUS H CHRIST SOMEONE COULD HAVE SNATCHED HER.

Travis brought me dinner at the PD, brought Emily, and told me all about it. I about DIED. I am so royally PISSED at Julia. ONE - for LOSING my child. TWO - for Em for being outside unsupervised. THREE - for being so close to the ROAD, unsupervised. FOUR - for being halfway naked so perfect strangers could see her. AND LET'S NOT FORGET FIVE - POOPING IN THE FREAKIN ' LAWN.

I DIED A LITTLE BIT TODAY. SERIOUSLY.

Mom doesn't know yet. Don't tell her - I want to tell her.

But I couldn't help but laugh at Em pooping in the lawn. It's funny BUT I WANT TO KILL JULIA NOW. What if someone snatched her? Kids have been snatched in better situations. Remember that one girl who got kidnapped for like 17 years? She got snatched within eyesight of her parents, going to the school bus. She got snatched between the freakin' bus and both her parents. Gone! Emily was by the road, Travis said. I mean, not ON the road but closer to the road than to the driveway up by the garage.

Jesus. LORD HELP HER!!!!

I wanted to fuss at Julia, but Trav assures me that he already did. Plus I don't want to bring it up like "OMG YOU LOST MY KID - EFF YOU!" You know? If she says something, I'll say something like "Yeah thanks for keeping an eye on her. Good think no one snatched my kid." D:

I DIIIIEEEEED.

Dr. Julia : China

My father-in-law, Howard, occasionally gets to travel for his job. Last year or so, he and Julia went to Las Vegas.

Yesterday, she was telling me: "Yeah, Howard wanted to know if I wanted to go to Las Vegas. [laughs] I told him 'no'! I mean, I've already been to Las Vegas! [laughs]"

I'm thinking: Jesus, it's a free vacation! You stay inside your house 330 days out of the year and you don't want to go to Las-freaking-Vegas?!

Julia continues: "I want to go someplace I haven't been! Howard said we could go to China! [laughs as if that were a ridiculous idea] Can you believe him? China! I said 'Yeah right, Howard!' I don't want to go to China. You know, they think they're so smarter than we are. Their kids go to school year round - I think that's awful. Kids need a break, you know? Don't need to work all the time."

Then she says something that almost makes me burst into laughter: "Plus, I don't like the way that they talk. [shudders]"

My mother-in-law is so racist. She doesn't like blacks, Hispanics (she calls them all "Mexicans"), Chinese, Japanese, etc. Pretty much everyone who isn't white. Oh, but she also doesn't like "trailer trash" so even some white people are out because they "act black". It's so stupid.