Dr. Julia : Everything is her business

99.99 percent of fights that start between my husband and his mother start with Julia sticking her nose in where it doesn't belong.

Let's go over a typical argument, shall we?

It starts like this: Emily is doing something. This morning, Emily was acting up so we turned off cartoons and switched on another program. Obviously, Emily was upset about this so she was told to sit down on the couch (a time out of sorts).

But then... Julia butts in. She was on the phone and, from the other room, she hollers "Turn on cartoons for your daughter! She wants to watch cartoons!"

Well... We don't change the channel. Travis says something along the lines of, "She needs a break from cartoons."

So Julia retorts with: "You're so mean! Turn on the damn cartoons! Brat!"

Travis : "Mom, just stop it."

Julia : [in rage mode] "Don't talk back to me! This is my fuckin' house! Turn on the damn cartoons! You're so mean! God, Travis, don't be such a smart ass!"

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She is always always ALWAYS sticking her nose in our business with Emily. No matter what it is, she has to give her opinion - forcefully.

According to Julia... We're mean when we don't let Emily watch cartoons whenever she wants. We're mean when we don't let Emily drink as much juice as she wants. We're mean when we don't let Emily have candy whenever she wants.

I'm not kidding!

I limit Emily's juice intake because if she could, she would drink herself to death. (The girl loves juice!) So after a while, I say "Okay Emily, if you're thirsty you can drink water." (Or milk.) And sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn't. AND I don't give her anything to drink about thirty minutes before I put her down for bed so she doesn't pee in the middle of the night.

Julia ALWAYS gets pissy when I tell Emily she can't have juice - "God! Give the girl some juice! She's thirsty!"

Me : "If she's thirsty, she'll drink water."

Julia : "But she wants JUICE! God, it's just juice!"

And then later I hear her on the phone with her brother/sister/husband complaining about what awful parents we are for not giving our child juice.


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Dr. Julia : Good Morning

I am NOT a morning person.

Julia has the annoying habit of talking to me seconds after I wake. This is obnoxious.

It wouldn't be so bad if she did something like this:

But THIS is what I wake up to:

I'm not even a human being until after I've had a cup of coffee and at least thirty minutes to relax. (Ask Travis - I bite his head off when he cheerfully greets me. Imagine what I want to do to Julia.)

Dr. Julia : MS Paint

I've decided that, to make my blogs more interesting to me and my mother (the only two readers), I should illustrate some things.

So here she is: Julia, my crazy mother-in-law!


It's impressive, I know. Here's a second one, a BONUS picture. Two for the price of one, eh?


You're welcome. Expect more MS Paintings later.

Dr. Julia : Childcare

I nearly died today. In fact, I think a small part of me DID die today. I'm too angry to re-type this, so I'm going to post the Facebook message that I sent to my sister, describing my fury.

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OMG. You will NEVER guess what happened today.

So I'm at work. Travis is taking a shower & got his Mom to watch Emily. Well he starts hearing Julia yell "Emily! Emily!" really loudly. So he comes out & apparently Julia lost my daughter. So Trav started yelling for her, too. Emily WENT OUTSIDE by herself. But, NO, it doesn't end there.

Not only is Emily OUTSIDE in the FRONT YARD BY THE ROAD, she is only wearing her shirt. She took off her pants & underwear so she could POOP on the lawn. She was half way naked POOPING IN THE YARD. JESUS H CHRIST SOMEONE COULD HAVE SNATCHED HER.

Travis brought me dinner at the PD, brought Emily, and told me all about it. I about DIED. I am so royally PISSED at Julia. ONE - for LOSING my child. TWO - for Em for being outside unsupervised. THREE - for being so close to the ROAD, unsupervised. FOUR - for being halfway naked so perfect strangers could see her. AND LET'S NOT FORGET FIVE - POOPING IN THE FREAKIN ' LAWN.

I DIED A LITTLE BIT TODAY. SERIOUSLY.

Mom doesn't know yet. Don't tell her - I want to tell her.

But I couldn't help but laugh at Em pooping in the lawn. It's funny BUT I WANT TO KILL JULIA NOW. What if someone snatched her? Kids have been snatched in better situations. Remember that one girl who got kidnapped for like 17 years? She got snatched within eyesight of her parents, going to the school bus. She got snatched between the freakin' bus and both her parents. Gone! Emily was by the road, Travis said. I mean, not ON the road but closer to the road than to the driveway up by the garage.

Jesus. LORD HELP HER!!!!

I wanted to fuss at Julia, but Trav assures me that he already did. Plus I don't want to bring it up like "OMG YOU LOST MY KID - EFF YOU!" You know? If she says something, I'll say something like "Yeah thanks for keeping an eye on her. Good think no one snatched my kid." D:

I DIIIIEEEEED.

Dr. Julia : On Weight & Dwarfism

My mother-in-law is neither the fattest nor the thinnest woman that I know - she's pleasantly plump, but I wouldn't call her "fat". (Unless I was trying to insult the fat old bitch.) But for someone so obsessed with everyone else's weight, she is hardly concerned with her own. She always makes comments about me, my husband, and my brother-in-law and his wife.

Ever since my husband got his job - as a WalMart cashier - she keeps saying, "Oh, he'll start losing weight." Every day, she says these things. "Travis gained all that weight from being unemployed, this job'll take some weight off."

All the time. ALL. THE. TIME.

"You know he has stretch marks?"

She won't shut up! And since when does a job as a cashier help you lose weight? All he does is stand in one spot and ring up groceries. Occasionally, he'll push carts in the sun - which, yes, might help to lose weight - but it's not often enough to be a workout.

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I was watching "I'm Pregnant And..." and it was dealing with a (normal sized) mother and a dwarf father, having a dwarf baby.

Julia said : "Is the baby a midget, too?"
Me : "Yep."
Julia : "Hmph. That'd be the only reason I wouldn't have a baby: if I were one."
Me : "............... o____O "
Julia : "Some kids'd grow up to hate their parents if they had 'em."

She was incredibly baffled to know that a normal sized woman had a dwarf.

Dr. Julia : Health Food

My husband loves having smoothies for breakfast, the homemade kind with milk, maybe yogurt and frozen & non-frozen fruits. Julia was absolutely disgusted. "Smoothies are the worst thing for you!" She said. According to her, she saw on The Doctors that smoothies are horribly bad for your health. "That has, like, 700 calories you know." (It doesn't.) We told her maybe store bought smoothies or fast food smoothies are bad, those made with syrups, but fresh fruit? No way. One whole bag of the frozen fruits is less than 100 calories.

The very next day, she made a fruit salad with an entire container of whipped cream (regular, not fat free) and mini marshmallows. She said "It's good for you."

Not to mention she thinks McDonald's chicken and Hi-C is a good meal for our daughter - who we don't feed fast food to because of health reasons.

Dr. Julia : Tantrums

I don't often discipline my daughter, she's only two, but I do make her sit down sometimes (like a time out) when she won't stop throwing a tantrum. Unfortunately, my mother-in-law always, always butts in. Today, around 5 PM and before dinner, Emily was throwing a tantrum. I made her sit down until she stopped flailing her arms like a madman. Dr. Julia came in and handed my daughter a piece of candy. Emily stopped crying, of course, but for all the wrong reasons. Not to mention it was before dinner and I do not allow any candy or sweets before dinner.

Julia knows this. She cannot plead ignorant because this has happened a dozen times - heck, dozens of times! Yet she continues to do it. She just wants Emily to shut up and she satisfies my daughter's wants all the time when it is inappropriate. Emily cries, Emily gets candy. Emily screams, Emily gets chocolate milk. She is rewarding my daughter for fussing!

Interesting that Emily never behaves like this with my parents. They do not put up with her tantrums and do not give in, by giving her candy/sweets/etc. But, for Julia, Emily is a spoiled brat because Julia lets her get away with it.

It wouldn't be so bad, but we live with her. So she gets spoiled every day. And I will not let my daughter become a spoiled brat.

An Introduction

When I started dating Travis, I had no idea what I was in for. We got married May 17th, 2008 and for about a year, we lived on our own with our daughter Emily. Unfortunately, the recession hit and my husband got the worst of it - he was laid off from his job and we had two options: live on the streets or move in with my in-law's. I almost wish I had chosen the streets. My mother-in-law is the biggest wack-job I have ever met. She's ignorant, obnoxious, loud, rude, annoying and just plain mean. She absolutely drives me crazy. And I don't get much of a break! She stays at home 24/7 except for a short trip here and there to the grocery store and to get her nails done. That's it!

But, in some ways, she is really amusing. The quotes she spews out on a daily basis can be extremely entertaining. This blog is dedicated to my crazy mother-in-law and all the insanity that is my daily life.