Dr. Julia : Good Morning

I am NOT a morning person.

Julia has the annoying habit of talking to me seconds after I wake. This is obnoxious.

It wouldn't be so bad if she did something like this:

But THIS is what I wake up to:

I'm not even a human being until after I've had a cup of coffee and at least thirty minutes to relax. (Ask Travis - I bite his head off when he cheerfully greets me. Imagine what I want to do to Julia.)

Dr. Julia : Daily Activities

For the better part of the day (and night) Julia looks like this:

She is half way asleep, unclean because she hasn't showered, her hair is unbrushed, she probably has the TV remote glued to her hand and she is in her pajamas.

However, when Howard calls and is on his way home... She PANICS.

All of a sudden, she starts going on and on about how the house is a mess. She literally ONLY gets dressed and takes a shower thirty minutes before her husband comes home. She sleeps most of the day away.

She comes downstairs and yells at us to clean the house because God forbid Howard see the house when it is less than perfect.

That's it.

OH and then when Howard comes home, around 6 or 7 o'clock she gets BACK into her pajamas. So she is only dressed for a couple hours each day. I think she has given up on life.

Dr. Julia : MS Paint

I've decided that, to make my blogs more interesting to me and my mother (the only two readers), I should illustrate some things.

So here she is: Julia, my crazy mother-in-law!


It's impressive, I know. Here's a second one, a BONUS picture. Two for the price of one, eh?


You're welcome. Expect more MS Paintings later.

Dr. Julia : On Weight & Dwarfism

My mother-in-law is neither the fattest nor the thinnest woman that I know - she's pleasantly plump, but I wouldn't call her "fat". (Unless I was trying to insult the fat old bitch.) But for someone so obsessed with everyone else's weight, she is hardly concerned with her own. She always makes comments about me, my husband, and my brother-in-law and his wife.

Ever since my husband got his job - as a WalMart cashier - she keeps saying, "Oh, he'll start losing weight." Every day, she says these things. "Travis gained all that weight from being unemployed, this job'll take some weight off."

All the time. ALL. THE. TIME.

"You know he has stretch marks?"

She won't shut up! And since when does a job as a cashier help you lose weight? All he does is stand in one spot and ring up groceries. Occasionally, he'll push carts in the sun - which, yes, might help to lose weight - but it's not often enough to be a workout.

__________________________________________________


I was watching "I'm Pregnant And..." and it was dealing with a (normal sized) mother and a dwarf father, having a dwarf baby.

Julia said : "Is the baby a midget, too?"
Me : "Yep."
Julia : "Hmph. That'd be the only reason I wouldn't have a baby: if I were one."
Me : "............... o____O "
Julia : "Some kids'd grow up to hate their parents if they had 'em."

She was incredibly baffled to know that a normal sized woman had a dwarf.

Dr. Julia : Health Food

My husband loves having smoothies for breakfast, the homemade kind with milk, maybe yogurt and frozen & non-frozen fruits. Julia was absolutely disgusted. "Smoothies are the worst thing for you!" She said. According to her, she saw on The Doctors that smoothies are horribly bad for your health. "That has, like, 700 calories you know." (It doesn't.) We told her maybe store bought smoothies or fast food smoothies are bad, those made with syrups, but fresh fruit? No way. One whole bag of the frozen fruits is less than 100 calories.

The very next day, she made a fruit salad with an entire container of whipped cream (regular, not fat free) and mini marshmallows. She said "It's good for you."

Not to mention she thinks McDonald's chicken and Hi-C is a good meal for our daughter - who we don't feed fast food to because of health reasons.

Dr. Julia : Tantrums

I don't often discipline my daughter, she's only two, but I do make her sit down sometimes (like a time out) when she won't stop throwing a tantrum. Unfortunately, my mother-in-law always, always butts in. Today, around 5 PM and before dinner, Emily was throwing a tantrum. I made her sit down until she stopped flailing her arms like a madman. Dr. Julia came in and handed my daughter a piece of candy. Emily stopped crying, of course, but for all the wrong reasons. Not to mention it was before dinner and I do not allow any candy or sweets before dinner.

Julia knows this. She cannot plead ignorant because this has happened a dozen times - heck, dozens of times! Yet she continues to do it. She just wants Emily to shut up and she satisfies my daughter's wants all the time when it is inappropriate. Emily cries, Emily gets candy. Emily screams, Emily gets chocolate milk. She is rewarding my daughter for fussing!

Interesting that Emily never behaves like this with my parents. They do not put up with her tantrums and do not give in, by giving her candy/sweets/etc. But, for Julia, Emily is a spoiled brat because Julia lets her get away with it.

It wouldn't be so bad, but we live with her. So she gets spoiled every day. And I will not let my daughter become a spoiled brat.

Dr. Julia : Television

My daughter (2, almost 3) was sitting and relaxing after a long morning at the zoo. (We were both exhausted!) She and I were watching Dragon Tales on On Demand and Julia came in and interrupted.

Julia : How 'bout you change the channel? There's a movie, uh, a show on.

Me : Which one?

Julia : You know... The animal one, like this show. 'Cept it's with animals.

She stares at me blankly, waiting for me to recognize the show. I have no idea.

Me : What's it about?

Julia : You know. With animals.

She stares at me blankly again. I still have no earthly idea.

Julia : You know, the elephant adopts the little Indian boy.

Me : Jungle Book?

Julia : No. That guy from Everybody Loves Raymond is the elephant.

Me : Ice Age?

Julia : That's it.

It took about fifteen minutes.

Dr. Julia : On Swimming

I couldn't buy a pool 'cause when Travis was three - two, three - he would just run and jump into the pool! We went to the pool - Travis was three - and he just ran and jumped into the deep end. Couldn't swim, but boy did he run. Right into the deep end. I had to jump right into the deep end - Travis was sinkin' to the bottom of the pool, just wavin' at me. Everyone was laughing, boy, when he come runnin' to the pool. Ran and jumped right into the deep end! Sinkin' to the bottom! I told Howard about it later, that Travis had just jumped in... (trails off) But that's why I never got a house with a pool, 'cause I was afraid Travis would jump in and drown. Not afraid, that one. He'd just run and jump into the pool - drown himself! Everyone was laughin' seein' this little boy come runnin' into the pool! (laughs) He'd have to stay in the shallow end. (trails off) Never got a pool, wish I did. Woulda been nice... (trails off)

Y'see, you gotta get your kid swimmin' lessons.

- Julia, my mother-in-law.
Retold by her daughter-in-law.

Dr. Julia : On College and Charleston

Julia : "You're wearing shorts?"
Travis : "Yeah..."
J : "Can you do that? Aren't you going to school?"
T : "What? Yeah."
J : "They let you wear shorts in school?"
T : "Mom. I'm in college. They're more lenient than high school."

Oh Julia's so amusing. And then...

Julia : "So you're going to Charleston, go to the beach, have dinner with Tammy AND see my father? All in one day? Why do all that sh**? You'll be tired!"
Travis : "Yeah. I'm young! Didn't you do stuff like that when you were young?"
J : "No."

Travis is taking a day to go to Charleston to pick up a bed from his Aunt Tammy's. He decided to make it a guy's trip so he and a few others are going down there. He could use a guy's day out! (Except that Chris invited a girl along... Who isn't his girlfriend... Who no one else knows... Poor girl.)

Julia : I like those shorts, Travis. Laura - does he have a shirt to go with them?
Me : ...What? How should I know?
Julia : [shocked] Well you do his laundry, don't you?
Me : Yeah... I don't care what shirt he wears.

Dr. Julia : On Burns

Travis made pancakes this morning, but when he flipped one he spilled hot grease on his arm. It's not too bad, but it hurts. There's little red bumps up and down his arm - nothing too serious. Here is the conversation that followed:

Julia : How'd you burn yourself? Maybe you should go to the hospital.
Travis : [Explains that it's not serious]
Julia : Well it could be a third degree burn! Your skin will fall off!

Oh she is a delight. I would know a third degree burn and his is certainly NOT a third degree burn.

Dr. Julia : Big, Fat Liar

My mother-in-law cannot stop lying. She does it every single day.

Today she's telling her other daughter-in-law (Amy) about their dogs. Little Bit is my mother-in-law's chihuahua and Tiger is Amy's puppy. My MIL is going on and on about how Little Bit didn't back down against the much bigger puppy. And how she ran faster. And how she didn't cower. Yeah right! That chihuahua was a fourth of the size of Tiger - Little Bit might have bared her teeth, but she had her tail between her legs as she backed off the pup. Not to mention, they fought over a stick, but Little Bit quickly gave it up when she realized she couldn't win.

Why do I care so much? Because I'm sick of her lying. She always makes herself look better or, in this case, her dog. She will defend that dog to no end. How she's smarter, quicker, stronger (yeah right!) and generally better than her son's dogs. And it's complete BS. Everyone knows it. No one believes lies like these.

Oh, here's the best example of her lies!

According to Julia: "When Travis [my husband] was three years old, he found his Daddy's watch. He took it apart then put it back together perfectly!"

Even Howard [her husband, my father-in-law] said "Yeah right". But she believes herself! Every day she says stupid stuff like how some woman scoffed at her in Wal-Mart, so Julia loudly defended herself, making the other woman look stupid of course. [Yeah riiiight!]

Here's another example of her stupid stories: "When Travis was in school, I didn't trust his teacher. So I decided to go take a look for myself during class. I didn't go in the main entrance, by the office, I just went to the classroom. Some bus driver yelled 'There's someone in the hall!'. So I yelled back at them [in loud, obnoxious, mocking tone], 'THERE'S SOMEONE IN THE HALL!'. I told him, 'Who the hell do you think you are? You're just a f***ing bus driver.' "

There's so many things wrong with that story.

Ugh! Get me out of this house! I swear, if I never saw her again it would only make my life better.

Dr. Julia : There she goes again!

Props if you know that reference.

My mother-in-law is driving me crazy. I cannot stand her. Her advice is not only unwanted, but it's completely idiotic and useless. I don't care! I just don't care.

Julia : "How many more years of school do you have?"
Me : "Three."
Julia : "Three?! Just to become a teacher?"

That conversation quite literally just happened. Thanks.

And, yes, it takes a four year degree to become a teacher.

Julia [to my daugher] : "Tell Mommy to get you a piece of bacon."

I am doing homework. Julia is two inches from the bacon that she just made. I didn't make the bacon. I'm nowhere near the bacon. I already told her Emily isn't hungry and she doesn't need to eat.

Julia [about my daughter] : "Watch her, I'm going upstairs."

As if I weren't already watching my own freaking daughter! I never asked her to watch my little girl and she never actually did. She just assumes that since she's leaving the room, I need a reminder to watch my own child. God! This is so aggravating.

Dr. Julia : Showing Me Up... Again

So I'm stuck at the house with the peach that is my mother-in-law, with the only vehicle. After she took a shower she said, "Are you coming to the store with us?" I responded, "No, hadn't planned on it." She said, "Oh well I was hoping you could take me to the store."

Why not just ask me to take her to the store in the first place? Who knows.

Yesterday, I baked my husband an apple pie for his birthday (today). I have never made a pie before and it came out perfect. I was so proud. What does my mother-in-law do? Buy him a birthday cake today. Why?! You saw the pie I made! I told you it was a birthday pie! Why go out and buy him a cake? Is that not good enough?

Worse - at the store I said, "Well Travis doesn't really like cakes." So she replied, "Oh, maybe I should buy him a pie then?"

Really?

Oh it's so much fun living with my mother-in-law. NOT! I can't wait to get out of here. She's driving me nuts!

Dr. Julia : Best Quotes

• "I don't care that she's your daughter, it's MY house! I'll do whatever the [bleep] I want!"

(According to her, the fact that she's our daughter is overridden by the fact that it's her house. So her rules > our rules.)

• "I think there must be something in the coffee she likes, a vitamin. Like when you're craving for something, that's saying there's something in there your body needs." ...She proceeded to talk about her siblings that ate dog food and paint chips and wondered what their body needed that was in those things.
  

(In reference to my 2 year old wanting to drink her coffee.)

• "If you give a young child coffee, that means they'll hate it when they grow up."

(Apparently this applies to most food and drink. So why do I still love applesauce?)

• "Did he chew the inside of his cheek? Because you can get mouth cancer from that."

(Her Doctor told her that one. In reference to my Uncle who got mouth cancer.)

• "Hey! You can still hear the ocean! I'm surprised, I got this shell 12 years ago."

(She held a seashell to her ear.)

• "She's gonna be hungry if she don't eat."

• Travis : "Yeah well the French suck."
• Julia : "Don't say that, my sister married one of 'em! Yeah he's from Italy."
  

• "I didn't know blue and yellow made green!" [Travis laughs] "Shut up, Travis! Bet you didn't know that either!"

• Me : "Oh, is that a kaleidoscope?"
• Julia : "No, you look into it and turn it and it looks like you're turnin' around."
  

(She described what a kaleidoscope does.)

• "I think she looks big because she's tall."

(Describing why my two year old looks bigger.)

• Travis : Mom, you really need to think before you speak.
• Julia : This is my house! I don't need to think!

Dr. Julia : On Food

Short explanation of the title : Julia is my mother in law. She is always giving me wacko advice, claiming that it's true. So I call her Dr. Julia.

Okay.

My two year old enjoys sipping my coffee every so often because I put quite a bit of sugar in it. I don't like this fact because no two year old needs caffeine + sugar. My Mother in law said "Just give her coffee now, that way she won't like it when she gets older."

She went on to explain how if she ate a specific food (like coffee) now, she won't like it as an adult. And the reverse works, too: if she doesn't eat a specific food (like grilled cheese sandwiches), this guarantees that she will like it later in life.

Dr. Julia also informed me that when my two year old wants coffee, this means her body is in need of something (such as a protein or vitamin) that resides in coffee. She then went on to say that her younger sister used to eat paint chips... "I wonder what kind of vitamin her body needed? What exactly are paint chips made of?"

Nice, Julia.

An Introduction

When I started dating Travis, I had no idea what I was in for. We got married May 17th, 2008 and for about a year, we lived on our own with our daughter Emily. Unfortunately, the recession hit and my husband got the worst of it - he was laid off from his job and we had two options: live on the streets or move in with my in-law's. I almost wish I had chosen the streets. My mother-in-law is the biggest wack-job I have ever met. She's ignorant, obnoxious, loud, rude, annoying and just plain mean. She absolutely drives me crazy. And I don't get much of a break! She stays at home 24/7 except for a short trip here and there to the grocery store and to get her nails done. That's it!

But, in some ways, she is really amusing. The quotes she spews out on a daily basis can be extremely entertaining. This blog is dedicated to my crazy mother-in-law and all the insanity that is my daily life.