Dr. Julia : Cell Phones

I am currently listening to my mother-in-law giving a half-assed speech on why Travis and I should get a cell phone.

Most of it is common knowledge: Don't get an expensive phone, don't get texting, etc.

She will not SHUT UP.

It started off like this:

Julia : When does Travis get off work today?
Me : He gets off at 4 o'clock.
Julia : Where is he working at?
Me : I don't know.
Julia : I mean... Is he working at CVS or Day Break?
Me : [pause] I don't know.
Julia : [pause] Jesus, you should know where he's working at. You're his wife. [pause] Need to get a cell phone.

Let's see all the reasons we can't afford a phone (unless it's a Tracfone or something similar):

A) We don't make much money. At all.
B) We owe my cheap ass father-in-law nearly $1,000.
C) We are trying to save up money to move out ASAP.
and D) We don't make much money. At all. Seriously. We're poor.

And yet here she is, babbling on and on about why we "need a cell phone", etc.

I haven't had a cell phone in years and we don't particularly need one. People got along just fine before cell phones were invented!

Dr. Julia : White Woman

This morning, my darling mother-in-law said this:

"Well I better go take a shower and put on some makeup. [Pause] So I look like a white woman. [Laughs]"

Really?

Because before she looked like... not a white woman?

The worst thing was apparently non-white women don't take showers or wear makeup... That's what I got from her.

Oh Julia! You're so racist.

Dr. Julia : Overreacting

Julia was on the phone with her sister and she said to me, "DO YOU KNOW A SARAH?" [cue look of pure disgust]

Me : ... Yes. [confused]

Julia : SHE SAID HOWARD PASSED AWAY. [to her sister on the phone] YEAH I'M GONNA CUSS THAT BITCH OUT. [more cussing]

Me : ... [shocked/disgusted face at her language towards one of my very closest friends]

So she calls Travis's brother, saying "NO you're father's alright." (Because he called, worried.)

Then she calls Travis saying, "WHY DID SHE SAY HOWARD DIED? [pause] Oh. [pause] WELL SHE SHOULDN'T BELIEVE THINGS OTHER PEOPLE TELL HER."

Apparently someone told my friend Sarah that my father-in-law had passed away and she went to Travis to express her empathy.

It was a simple misunderstanding - I have no idea who told Sarah my father-in-law had died - but Julia completely pissed me the Hell off by calling my friend a "bitch" for saying to Travis "I'm sorry your Dad died."

Whore.

Dr. Julia : Perspective

Julia's Perspective:

What the rest of us see:

Dr. Julia : Everything is her business

99.99 percent of fights that start between my husband and his mother start with Julia sticking her nose in where it doesn't belong.

Let's go over a typical argument, shall we?

It starts like this: Emily is doing something. This morning, Emily was acting up so we turned off cartoons and switched on another program. Obviously, Emily was upset about this so she was told to sit down on the couch (a time out of sorts).

But then... Julia butts in. She was on the phone and, from the other room, she hollers "Turn on cartoons for your daughter! She wants to watch cartoons!"

Well... We don't change the channel. Travis says something along the lines of, "She needs a break from cartoons."

So Julia retorts with: "You're so mean! Turn on the damn cartoons! Brat!"

Travis : "Mom, just stop it."

Julia : [in rage mode] "Don't talk back to me! This is my fuckin' house! Turn on the damn cartoons! You're so mean! God, Travis, don't be such a smart ass!"

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She is always always ALWAYS sticking her nose in our business with Emily. No matter what it is, she has to give her opinion - forcefully.

According to Julia... We're mean when we don't let Emily watch cartoons whenever she wants. We're mean when we don't let Emily drink as much juice as she wants. We're mean when we don't let Emily have candy whenever she wants.

I'm not kidding!

I limit Emily's juice intake because if she could, she would drink herself to death. (The girl loves juice!) So after a while, I say "Okay Emily, if you're thirsty you can drink water." (Or milk.) And sometimes she does, sometimes she doesn't. AND I don't give her anything to drink about thirty minutes before I put her down for bed so she doesn't pee in the middle of the night.

Julia ALWAYS gets pissy when I tell Emily she can't have juice - "God! Give the girl some juice! She's thirsty!"

Me : "If she's thirsty, she'll drink water."

Julia : "But she wants JUICE! God, it's just juice!"

And then later I hear her on the phone with her brother/sister/husband complaining about what awful parents we are for not giving our child juice.


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Dr. Julia : Cleaning

"Bathroom looks like shit! I'm not letting the baby sit on that toilet seat 'til it's cleaned! She's gonna catch something. Germs 'n shit."

This is what I wake up to everyday. (Hey Mom! If you're reading this, can I pleeeeease move back in?)

Now she's yelling from upstairs. I don't know what she's saying. Something about cleaning.

Anyways, where was I? Ah, yes. Julia being crazy. She wants us to clean the bathroom (i.e. toilet/shower/sink/floor) on a daily basis. I'm sorry but I'm not scrubbing the toilet every day. It gets cleaned, don't get me wrong, but I refuse to scrub it every day. We've been keeping it tidy - picking up clothes, towels, etc - but I'll be damned if I'm going to use cleanser daily.

What, is my toilet supposed to shine like it's straight from God himself?

It's clean! There's no pee or anything on it. I checked.

And the mirror doesn't have spit or gunk on it. The sink is toothpaste-free.

Seriously! I went and checked after she hollered at us! It's CLEAN.

Oh wait, here's something. I left a piece of toilet paper on the floor. It's like this big:
[-------------]

See that? Right there, between the brackets. The paper fit inside that little space.

I'm not scrubbin' the damn toilet. And what the hell is Emily going to catch from the toilet? This isn't a public restroom that dozens of people use. Only three people ever use it, according to my in-laws. Because apparently Julia is above using that toilet.

No MS Paint today, sorry. I can't draw a toilet.

Oh alright. Here's something:

Dr. Julia : Good Morning

I am NOT a morning person.

Julia has the annoying habit of talking to me seconds after I wake. This is obnoxious.

It wouldn't be so bad if she did something like this:

But THIS is what I wake up to:

I'm not even a human being until after I've had a cup of coffee and at least thirty minutes to relax. (Ask Travis - I bite his head off when he cheerfully greets me. Imagine what I want to do to Julia.)

Dr. Julia : Daily Activities

For the better part of the day (and night) Julia looks like this:

She is half way asleep, unclean because she hasn't showered, her hair is unbrushed, she probably has the TV remote glued to her hand and she is in her pajamas.

However, when Howard calls and is on his way home... She PANICS.

All of a sudden, she starts going on and on about how the house is a mess. She literally ONLY gets dressed and takes a shower thirty minutes before her husband comes home. She sleeps most of the day away.

She comes downstairs and yells at us to clean the house because God forbid Howard see the house when it is less than perfect.

That's it.

OH and then when Howard comes home, around 6 or 7 o'clock she gets BACK into her pajamas. So she is only dressed for a couple hours each day. I think she has given up on life.

Dr. Julia : MS Paint

I've decided that, to make my blogs more interesting to me and my mother (the only two readers), I should illustrate some things.

So here she is: Julia, my crazy mother-in-law!


It's impressive, I know. Here's a second one, a BONUS picture. Two for the price of one, eh?


You're welcome. Expect more MS Paintings later.

Dr. Julia : Childcare

I nearly died today. In fact, I think a small part of me DID die today. I'm too angry to re-type this, so I'm going to post the Facebook message that I sent to my sister, describing my fury.

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OMG. You will NEVER guess what happened today.

So I'm at work. Travis is taking a shower & got his Mom to watch Emily. Well he starts hearing Julia yell "Emily! Emily!" really loudly. So he comes out & apparently Julia lost my daughter. So Trav started yelling for her, too. Emily WENT OUTSIDE by herself. But, NO, it doesn't end there.

Not only is Emily OUTSIDE in the FRONT YARD BY THE ROAD, she is only wearing her shirt. She took off her pants & underwear so she could POOP on the lawn. She was half way naked POOPING IN THE YARD. JESUS H CHRIST SOMEONE COULD HAVE SNATCHED HER.

Travis brought me dinner at the PD, brought Emily, and told me all about it. I about DIED. I am so royally PISSED at Julia. ONE - for LOSING my child. TWO - for Em for being outside unsupervised. THREE - for being so close to the ROAD, unsupervised. FOUR - for being halfway naked so perfect strangers could see her. AND LET'S NOT FORGET FIVE - POOPING IN THE FREAKIN ' LAWN.

I DIED A LITTLE BIT TODAY. SERIOUSLY.

Mom doesn't know yet. Don't tell her - I want to tell her.

But I couldn't help but laugh at Em pooping in the lawn. It's funny BUT I WANT TO KILL JULIA NOW. What if someone snatched her? Kids have been snatched in better situations. Remember that one girl who got kidnapped for like 17 years? She got snatched within eyesight of her parents, going to the school bus. She got snatched between the freakin' bus and both her parents. Gone! Emily was by the road, Travis said. I mean, not ON the road but closer to the road than to the driveway up by the garage.

Jesus. LORD HELP HER!!!!

I wanted to fuss at Julia, but Trav assures me that he already did. Plus I don't want to bring it up like "OMG YOU LOST MY KID - EFF YOU!" You know? If she says something, I'll say something like "Yeah thanks for keeping an eye on her. Good think no one snatched my kid." D:

I DIIIIEEEEED.

Dr. Julia : China

My father-in-law, Howard, occasionally gets to travel for his job. Last year or so, he and Julia went to Las Vegas.

Yesterday, she was telling me: "Yeah, Howard wanted to know if I wanted to go to Las Vegas. [laughs] I told him 'no'! I mean, I've already been to Las Vegas! [laughs]"

I'm thinking: Jesus, it's a free vacation! You stay inside your house 330 days out of the year and you don't want to go to Las-freaking-Vegas?!

Julia continues: "I want to go someplace I haven't been! Howard said we could go to China! [laughs as if that were a ridiculous idea] Can you believe him? China! I said 'Yeah right, Howard!' I don't want to go to China. You know, they think they're so smarter than we are. Their kids go to school year round - I think that's awful. Kids need a break, you know? Don't need to work all the time."

Then she says something that almost makes me burst into laughter: "Plus, I don't like the way that they talk. [shudders]"

My mother-in-law is so racist. She doesn't like blacks, Hispanics (she calls them all "Mexicans"), Chinese, Japanese, etc. Pretty much everyone who isn't white. Oh, but she also doesn't like "trailer trash" so even some white people are out because they "act black". It's so stupid.

Dr. Julia : On Weight & Dwarfism

My mother-in-law is neither the fattest nor the thinnest woman that I know - she's pleasantly plump, but I wouldn't call her "fat". (Unless I was trying to insult the fat old bitch.) But for someone so obsessed with everyone else's weight, she is hardly concerned with her own. She always makes comments about me, my husband, and my brother-in-law and his wife.

Ever since my husband got his job - as a WalMart cashier - she keeps saying, "Oh, he'll start losing weight." Every day, she says these things. "Travis gained all that weight from being unemployed, this job'll take some weight off."

All the time. ALL. THE. TIME.

"You know he has stretch marks?"

She won't shut up! And since when does a job as a cashier help you lose weight? All he does is stand in one spot and ring up groceries. Occasionally, he'll push carts in the sun - which, yes, might help to lose weight - but it's not often enough to be a workout.

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I was watching "I'm Pregnant And..." and it was dealing with a (normal sized) mother and a dwarf father, having a dwarf baby.

Julia said : "Is the baby a midget, too?"
Me : "Yep."
Julia : "Hmph. That'd be the only reason I wouldn't have a baby: if I were one."
Me : "............... o____O "
Julia : "Some kids'd grow up to hate their parents if they had 'em."

She was incredibly baffled to know that a normal sized woman had a dwarf.

Dr. Julia : Health Food

My husband loves having smoothies for breakfast, the homemade kind with milk, maybe yogurt and frozen & non-frozen fruits. Julia was absolutely disgusted. "Smoothies are the worst thing for you!" She said. According to her, she saw on The Doctors that smoothies are horribly bad for your health. "That has, like, 700 calories you know." (It doesn't.) We told her maybe store bought smoothies or fast food smoothies are bad, those made with syrups, but fresh fruit? No way. One whole bag of the frozen fruits is less than 100 calories.

The very next day, she made a fruit salad with an entire container of whipped cream (regular, not fat free) and mini marshmallows. She said "It's good for you."

Not to mention she thinks McDonald's chicken and Hi-C is a good meal for our daughter - who we don't feed fast food to because of health reasons.

Dr. Julia : Tantrums

I don't often discipline my daughter, she's only two, but I do make her sit down sometimes (like a time out) when she won't stop throwing a tantrum. Unfortunately, my mother-in-law always, always butts in. Today, around 5 PM and before dinner, Emily was throwing a tantrum. I made her sit down until she stopped flailing her arms like a madman. Dr. Julia came in and handed my daughter a piece of candy. Emily stopped crying, of course, but for all the wrong reasons. Not to mention it was before dinner and I do not allow any candy or sweets before dinner.

Julia knows this. She cannot plead ignorant because this has happened a dozen times - heck, dozens of times! Yet she continues to do it. She just wants Emily to shut up and she satisfies my daughter's wants all the time when it is inappropriate. Emily cries, Emily gets candy. Emily screams, Emily gets chocolate milk. She is rewarding my daughter for fussing!

Interesting that Emily never behaves like this with my parents. They do not put up with her tantrums and do not give in, by giving her candy/sweets/etc. But, for Julia, Emily is a spoiled brat because Julia lets her get away with it.

It wouldn't be so bad, but we live with her. So she gets spoiled every day. And I will not let my daughter become a spoiled brat.

Dr. Julia : Television

My daughter (2, almost 3) was sitting and relaxing after a long morning at the zoo. (We were both exhausted!) She and I were watching Dragon Tales on On Demand and Julia came in and interrupted.

Julia : How 'bout you change the channel? There's a movie, uh, a show on.

Me : Which one?

Julia : You know... The animal one, like this show. 'Cept it's with animals.

She stares at me blankly, waiting for me to recognize the show. I have no idea.

Me : What's it about?

Julia : You know. With animals.

She stares at me blankly again. I still have no earthly idea.

Julia : You know, the elephant adopts the little Indian boy.

Me : Jungle Book?

Julia : No. That guy from Everybody Loves Raymond is the elephant.

Me : Ice Age?

Julia : That's it.

It took about fifteen minutes.

Dr. Julia : On Swimming

I couldn't buy a pool 'cause when Travis was three - two, three - he would just run and jump into the pool! We went to the pool - Travis was three - and he just ran and jumped into the deep end. Couldn't swim, but boy did he run. Right into the deep end. I had to jump right into the deep end - Travis was sinkin' to the bottom of the pool, just wavin' at me. Everyone was laughing, boy, when he come runnin' to the pool. Ran and jumped right into the deep end! Sinkin' to the bottom! I told Howard about it later, that Travis had just jumped in... (trails off) But that's why I never got a house with a pool, 'cause I was afraid Travis would jump in and drown. Not afraid, that one. He'd just run and jump into the pool - drown himself! Everyone was laughin' seein' this little boy come runnin' into the pool! (laughs) He'd have to stay in the shallow end. (trails off) Never got a pool, wish I did. Woulda been nice... (trails off)

Y'see, you gotta get your kid swimmin' lessons.

- Julia, my mother-in-law.
Retold by her daughter-in-law.

Dr. Julia : On College and Charleston

Julia : "You're wearing shorts?"
Travis : "Yeah..."
J : "Can you do that? Aren't you going to school?"
T : "What? Yeah."
J : "They let you wear shorts in school?"
T : "Mom. I'm in college. They're more lenient than high school."

Oh Julia's so amusing. And then...

Julia : "So you're going to Charleston, go to the beach, have dinner with Tammy AND see my father? All in one day? Why do all that sh**? You'll be tired!"
Travis : "Yeah. I'm young! Didn't you do stuff like that when you were young?"
J : "No."

Travis is taking a day to go to Charleston to pick up a bed from his Aunt Tammy's. He decided to make it a guy's trip so he and a few others are going down there. He could use a guy's day out! (Except that Chris invited a girl along... Who isn't his girlfriend... Who no one else knows... Poor girl.)

Julia : I like those shorts, Travis. Laura - does he have a shirt to go with them?
Me : ...What? How should I know?
Julia : [shocked] Well you do his laundry, don't you?
Me : Yeah... I don't care what shirt he wears.

Dr. Julia : On Burns

Travis made pancakes this morning, but when he flipped one he spilled hot grease on his arm. It's not too bad, but it hurts. There's little red bumps up and down his arm - nothing too serious. Here is the conversation that followed:

Julia : How'd you burn yourself? Maybe you should go to the hospital.
Travis : [Explains that it's not serious]
Julia : Well it could be a third degree burn! Your skin will fall off!

Oh she is a delight. I would know a third degree burn and his is certainly NOT a third degree burn.

Dr. Julia : Big, Fat Liar

My mother-in-law cannot stop lying. She does it every single day.

Today she's telling her other daughter-in-law (Amy) about their dogs. Little Bit is my mother-in-law's chihuahua and Tiger is Amy's puppy. My MIL is going on and on about how Little Bit didn't back down against the much bigger puppy. And how she ran faster. And how she didn't cower. Yeah right! That chihuahua was a fourth of the size of Tiger - Little Bit might have bared her teeth, but she had her tail between her legs as she backed off the pup. Not to mention, they fought over a stick, but Little Bit quickly gave it up when she realized she couldn't win.

Why do I care so much? Because I'm sick of her lying. She always makes herself look better or, in this case, her dog. She will defend that dog to no end. How she's smarter, quicker, stronger (yeah right!) and generally better than her son's dogs. And it's complete BS. Everyone knows it. No one believes lies like these.

Oh, here's the best example of her lies!

According to Julia: "When Travis [my husband] was three years old, he found his Daddy's watch. He took it apart then put it back together perfectly!"

Even Howard [her husband, my father-in-law] said "Yeah right". But she believes herself! Every day she says stupid stuff like how some woman scoffed at her in Wal-Mart, so Julia loudly defended herself, making the other woman look stupid of course. [Yeah riiiight!]

Here's another example of her stupid stories: "When Travis was in school, I didn't trust his teacher. So I decided to go take a look for myself during class. I didn't go in the main entrance, by the office, I just went to the classroom. Some bus driver yelled 'There's someone in the hall!'. So I yelled back at them [in loud, obnoxious, mocking tone], 'THERE'S SOMEONE IN THE HALL!'. I told him, 'Who the hell do you think you are? You're just a f***ing bus driver.' "

There's so many things wrong with that story.

Ugh! Get me out of this house! I swear, if I never saw her again it would only make my life better.

Dr. Julia : There she goes again!

Props if you know that reference.

My mother-in-law is driving me crazy. I cannot stand her. Her advice is not only unwanted, but it's completely idiotic and useless. I don't care! I just don't care.

Julia : "How many more years of school do you have?"
Me : "Three."
Julia : "Three?! Just to become a teacher?"

That conversation quite literally just happened. Thanks.

And, yes, it takes a four year degree to become a teacher.

Julia [to my daugher] : "Tell Mommy to get you a piece of bacon."

I am doing homework. Julia is two inches from the bacon that she just made. I didn't make the bacon. I'm nowhere near the bacon. I already told her Emily isn't hungry and she doesn't need to eat.

Julia [about my daughter] : "Watch her, I'm going upstairs."

As if I weren't already watching my own freaking daughter! I never asked her to watch my little girl and she never actually did. She just assumes that since she's leaving the room, I need a reminder to watch my own child. God! This is so aggravating.