Dr. Julia : Cleaning

"Bathroom looks like shit! I'm not letting the baby sit on that toilet seat 'til it's cleaned! She's gonna catch something. Germs 'n shit."

This is what I wake up to everyday. (Hey Mom! If you're reading this, can I pleeeeease move back in?)

Now she's yelling from upstairs. I don't know what she's saying. Something about cleaning.

Anyways, where was I? Ah, yes. Julia being crazy. She wants us to clean the bathroom (i.e. toilet/shower/sink/floor) on a daily basis. I'm sorry but I'm not scrubbing the toilet every day. It gets cleaned, don't get me wrong, but I refuse to scrub it every day. We've been keeping it tidy - picking up clothes, towels, etc - but I'll be damned if I'm going to use cleanser daily.

What, is my toilet supposed to shine like it's straight from God himself?

It's clean! There's no pee or anything on it. I checked.

And the mirror doesn't have spit or gunk on it. The sink is toothpaste-free.

Seriously! I went and checked after she hollered at us! It's CLEAN.

Oh wait, here's something. I left a piece of toilet paper on the floor. It's like this big:
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See that? Right there, between the brackets. The paper fit inside that little space.

I'm not scrubbin' the damn toilet. And what the hell is Emily going to catch from the toilet? This isn't a public restroom that dozens of people use. Only three people ever use it, according to my in-laws. Because apparently Julia is above using that toilet.

No MS Paint today, sorry. I can't draw a toilet.

Oh alright. Here's something:

Dr. Julia : Good Morning

I am NOT a morning person.

Julia has the annoying habit of talking to me seconds after I wake. This is obnoxious.

It wouldn't be so bad if she did something like this:

But THIS is what I wake up to:

I'm not even a human being until after I've had a cup of coffee and at least thirty minutes to relax. (Ask Travis - I bite his head off when he cheerfully greets me. Imagine what I want to do to Julia.)

Dr. Julia : Daily Activities

For the better part of the day (and night) Julia looks like this:

She is half way asleep, unclean because she hasn't showered, her hair is unbrushed, she probably has the TV remote glued to her hand and she is in her pajamas.

However, when Howard calls and is on his way home... She PANICS.

All of a sudden, she starts going on and on about how the house is a mess. She literally ONLY gets dressed and takes a shower thirty minutes before her husband comes home. She sleeps most of the day away.

She comes downstairs and yells at us to clean the house because God forbid Howard see the house when it is less than perfect.

That's it.

OH and then when Howard comes home, around 6 or 7 o'clock she gets BACK into her pajamas. So she is only dressed for a couple hours each day. I think she has given up on life.

Dr. Julia : MS Paint

I've decided that, to make my blogs more interesting to me and my mother (the only two readers), I should illustrate some things.

So here she is: Julia, my crazy mother-in-law!


It's impressive, I know. Here's a second one, a BONUS picture. Two for the price of one, eh?


You're welcome. Expect more MS Paintings later.

Dr. Julia : Childcare

I nearly died today. In fact, I think a small part of me DID die today. I'm too angry to re-type this, so I'm going to post the Facebook message that I sent to my sister, describing my fury.

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OMG. You will NEVER guess what happened today.

So I'm at work. Travis is taking a shower & got his Mom to watch Emily. Well he starts hearing Julia yell "Emily! Emily!" really loudly. So he comes out & apparently Julia lost my daughter. So Trav started yelling for her, too. Emily WENT OUTSIDE by herself. But, NO, it doesn't end there.

Not only is Emily OUTSIDE in the FRONT YARD BY THE ROAD, she is only wearing her shirt. She took off her pants & underwear so she could POOP on the lawn. She was half way naked POOPING IN THE YARD. JESUS H CHRIST SOMEONE COULD HAVE SNATCHED HER.

Travis brought me dinner at the PD, brought Emily, and told me all about it. I about DIED. I am so royally PISSED at Julia. ONE - for LOSING my child. TWO - for Em for being outside unsupervised. THREE - for being so close to the ROAD, unsupervised. FOUR - for being halfway naked so perfect strangers could see her. AND LET'S NOT FORGET FIVE - POOPING IN THE FREAKIN ' LAWN.

I DIED A LITTLE BIT TODAY. SERIOUSLY.

Mom doesn't know yet. Don't tell her - I want to tell her.

But I couldn't help but laugh at Em pooping in the lawn. It's funny BUT I WANT TO KILL JULIA NOW. What if someone snatched her? Kids have been snatched in better situations. Remember that one girl who got kidnapped for like 17 years? She got snatched within eyesight of her parents, going to the school bus. She got snatched between the freakin' bus and both her parents. Gone! Emily was by the road, Travis said. I mean, not ON the road but closer to the road than to the driveway up by the garage.

Jesus. LORD HELP HER!!!!

I wanted to fuss at Julia, but Trav assures me that he already did. Plus I don't want to bring it up like "OMG YOU LOST MY KID - EFF YOU!" You know? If she says something, I'll say something like "Yeah thanks for keeping an eye on her. Good think no one snatched my kid." D:

I DIIIIEEEEED.

Dr. Julia : China

My father-in-law, Howard, occasionally gets to travel for his job. Last year or so, he and Julia went to Las Vegas.

Yesterday, she was telling me: "Yeah, Howard wanted to know if I wanted to go to Las Vegas. [laughs] I told him 'no'! I mean, I've already been to Las Vegas! [laughs]"

I'm thinking: Jesus, it's a free vacation! You stay inside your house 330 days out of the year and you don't want to go to Las-freaking-Vegas?!

Julia continues: "I want to go someplace I haven't been! Howard said we could go to China! [laughs as if that were a ridiculous idea] Can you believe him? China! I said 'Yeah right, Howard!' I don't want to go to China. You know, they think they're so smarter than we are. Their kids go to school year round - I think that's awful. Kids need a break, you know? Don't need to work all the time."

Then she says something that almost makes me burst into laughter: "Plus, I don't like the way that they talk. [shudders]"

My mother-in-law is so racist. She doesn't like blacks, Hispanics (she calls them all "Mexicans"), Chinese, Japanese, etc. Pretty much everyone who isn't white. Oh, but she also doesn't like "trailer trash" so even some white people are out because they "act black". It's so stupid.

Dr. Julia : On Weight & Dwarfism

My mother-in-law is neither the fattest nor the thinnest woman that I know - she's pleasantly plump, but I wouldn't call her "fat". (Unless I was trying to insult the fat old bitch.) But for someone so obsessed with everyone else's weight, she is hardly concerned with her own. She always makes comments about me, my husband, and my brother-in-law and his wife.

Ever since my husband got his job - as a WalMart cashier - she keeps saying, "Oh, he'll start losing weight." Every day, she says these things. "Travis gained all that weight from being unemployed, this job'll take some weight off."

All the time. ALL. THE. TIME.

"You know he has stretch marks?"

She won't shut up! And since when does a job as a cashier help you lose weight? All he does is stand in one spot and ring up groceries. Occasionally, he'll push carts in the sun - which, yes, might help to lose weight - but it's not often enough to be a workout.

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I was watching "I'm Pregnant And..." and it was dealing with a (normal sized) mother and a dwarf father, having a dwarf baby.

Julia said : "Is the baby a midget, too?"
Me : "Yep."
Julia : "Hmph. That'd be the only reason I wouldn't have a baby: if I were one."
Me : "............... o____O "
Julia : "Some kids'd grow up to hate their parents if they had 'em."

She was incredibly baffled to know that a normal sized woman had a dwarf.