Dr. Julia : Health Food

My husband loves having smoothies for breakfast, the homemade kind with milk, maybe yogurt and frozen & non-frozen fruits. Julia was absolutely disgusted. "Smoothies are the worst thing for you!" She said. According to her, she saw on The Doctors that smoothies are horribly bad for your health. "That has, like, 700 calories you know." (It doesn't.) We told her maybe store bought smoothies or fast food smoothies are bad, those made with syrups, but fresh fruit? No way. One whole bag of the frozen fruits is less than 100 calories.

The very next day, she made a fruit salad with an entire container of whipped cream (regular, not fat free) and mini marshmallows. She said "It's good for you."

Not to mention she thinks McDonald's chicken and Hi-C is a good meal for our daughter - who we don't feed fast food to because of health reasons.

Dr. Julia : Tantrums

I don't often discipline my daughter, she's only two, but I do make her sit down sometimes (like a time out) when she won't stop throwing a tantrum. Unfortunately, my mother-in-law always, always butts in. Today, around 5 PM and before dinner, Emily was throwing a tantrum. I made her sit down until she stopped flailing her arms like a madman. Dr. Julia came in and handed my daughter a piece of candy. Emily stopped crying, of course, but for all the wrong reasons. Not to mention it was before dinner and I do not allow any candy or sweets before dinner.

Julia knows this. She cannot plead ignorant because this has happened a dozen times - heck, dozens of times! Yet she continues to do it. She just wants Emily to shut up and she satisfies my daughter's wants all the time when it is inappropriate. Emily cries, Emily gets candy. Emily screams, Emily gets chocolate milk. She is rewarding my daughter for fussing!

Interesting that Emily never behaves like this with my parents. They do not put up with her tantrums and do not give in, by giving her candy/sweets/etc. But, for Julia, Emily is a spoiled brat because Julia lets her get away with it.

It wouldn't be so bad, but we live with her. So she gets spoiled every day. And I will not let my daughter become a spoiled brat.

Dr. Julia : Television

My daughter (2, almost 3) was sitting and relaxing after a long morning at the zoo. (We were both exhausted!) She and I were watching Dragon Tales on On Demand and Julia came in and interrupted.

Julia : How 'bout you change the channel? There's a movie, uh, a show on.

Me : Which one?

Julia : You know... The animal one, like this show. 'Cept it's with animals.

She stares at me blankly, waiting for me to recognize the show. I have no idea.

Me : What's it about?

Julia : You know. With animals.

She stares at me blankly again. I still have no earthly idea.

Julia : You know, the elephant adopts the little Indian boy.

Me : Jungle Book?

Julia : No. That guy from Everybody Loves Raymond is the elephant.

Me : Ice Age?

Julia : That's it.

It took about fifteen minutes.

Dr. Julia : On Swimming

I couldn't buy a pool 'cause when Travis was three - two, three - he would just run and jump into the pool! We went to the pool - Travis was three - and he just ran and jumped into the deep end. Couldn't swim, but boy did he run. Right into the deep end. I had to jump right into the deep end - Travis was sinkin' to the bottom of the pool, just wavin' at me. Everyone was laughing, boy, when he come runnin' to the pool. Ran and jumped right into the deep end! Sinkin' to the bottom! I told Howard about it later, that Travis had just jumped in... (trails off) But that's why I never got a house with a pool, 'cause I was afraid Travis would jump in and drown. Not afraid, that one. He'd just run and jump into the pool - drown himself! Everyone was laughin' seein' this little boy come runnin' into the pool! (laughs) He'd have to stay in the shallow end. (trails off) Never got a pool, wish I did. Woulda been nice... (trails off)

Y'see, you gotta get your kid swimmin' lessons.

- Julia, my mother-in-law.
Retold by her daughter-in-law.

Dr. Julia : On College and Charleston

Julia : "You're wearing shorts?"
Travis : "Yeah..."
J : "Can you do that? Aren't you going to school?"
T : "What? Yeah."
J : "They let you wear shorts in school?"
T : "Mom. I'm in college. They're more lenient than high school."

Oh Julia's so amusing. And then...

Julia : "So you're going to Charleston, go to the beach, have dinner with Tammy AND see my father? All in one day? Why do all that sh**? You'll be tired!"
Travis : "Yeah. I'm young! Didn't you do stuff like that when you were young?"
J : "No."

Travis is taking a day to go to Charleston to pick up a bed from his Aunt Tammy's. He decided to make it a guy's trip so he and a few others are going down there. He could use a guy's day out! (Except that Chris invited a girl along... Who isn't his girlfriend... Who no one else knows... Poor girl.)

Julia : I like those shorts, Travis. Laura - does he have a shirt to go with them?
Me : ...What? How should I know?
Julia : [shocked] Well you do his laundry, don't you?
Me : Yeah... I don't care what shirt he wears.

Dr. Julia : On Burns

Travis made pancakes this morning, but when he flipped one he spilled hot grease on his arm. It's not too bad, but it hurts. There's little red bumps up and down his arm - nothing too serious. Here is the conversation that followed:

Julia : How'd you burn yourself? Maybe you should go to the hospital.
Travis : [Explains that it's not serious]
Julia : Well it could be a third degree burn! Your skin will fall off!

Oh she is a delight. I would know a third degree burn and his is certainly NOT a third degree burn.

Dr. Julia : Big, Fat Liar

My mother-in-law cannot stop lying. She does it every single day.

Today she's telling her other daughter-in-law (Amy) about their dogs. Little Bit is my mother-in-law's chihuahua and Tiger is Amy's puppy. My MIL is going on and on about how Little Bit didn't back down against the much bigger puppy. And how she ran faster. And how she didn't cower. Yeah right! That chihuahua was a fourth of the size of Tiger - Little Bit might have bared her teeth, but she had her tail between her legs as she backed off the pup. Not to mention, they fought over a stick, but Little Bit quickly gave it up when she realized she couldn't win.

Why do I care so much? Because I'm sick of her lying. She always makes herself look better or, in this case, her dog. She will defend that dog to no end. How she's smarter, quicker, stronger (yeah right!) and generally better than her son's dogs. And it's complete BS. Everyone knows it. No one believes lies like these.

Oh, here's the best example of her lies!

According to Julia: "When Travis [my husband] was three years old, he found his Daddy's watch. He took it apart then put it back together perfectly!"

Even Howard [her husband, my father-in-law] said "Yeah right". But she believes herself! Every day she says stupid stuff like how some woman scoffed at her in Wal-Mart, so Julia loudly defended herself, making the other woman look stupid of course. [Yeah riiiight!]

Here's another example of her stupid stories: "When Travis was in school, I didn't trust his teacher. So I decided to go take a look for myself during class. I didn't go in the main entrance, by the office, I just went to the classroom. Some bus driver yelled 'There's someone in the hall!'. So I yelled back at them [in loud, obnoxious, mocking tone], 'THERE'S SOMEONE IN THE HALL!'. I told him, 'Who the hell do you think you are? You're just a f***ing bus driver.' "

There's so many things wrong with that story.

Ugh! Get me out of this house! I swear, if I never saw her again it would only make my life better.